The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
step 6: release the wall snake
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.