The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
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Dumple
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Personal question. #JustSaying
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.