Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.