The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Hmmmmm
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
*seductively corrects your posture*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.