The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.