Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

You know…for fall…

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.