The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

You Might Also Like


I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!


DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.


CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.