I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.
Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.