@RamblingMachine

The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

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@Mindless4Miles

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@shariv67

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

@d_duhwit

Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.