If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
You Might Also Like
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂