the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Pigeon open mic night.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Why soy sad?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”