the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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I might give this a try 😏
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
So inspired right now.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.