the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.