The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
handsome & gretel
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I love it
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.