The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
🤣
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
This is the one
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.