Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.