Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ