The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
me before I type out affect or effect