The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
boys are so easy to impress
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.