Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

O Wise One….

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

ㅤ

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry