@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

You Might Also Like

@EliBraden

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

@DrakeGatsby

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

@AnkCoupleTO

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

@daemonic3

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

@noog

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@ElgatoEsmio

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!