I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart
*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!