The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
You Might Also Like
I saw nothing
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way