The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I stand by it
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Happy Taco Tuesday
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.