The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.