Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

mechanics be like

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.