Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.