the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Human are so complicated
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance