Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”