the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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RT if you could go either way.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Trumpy Cat
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot