Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

never compromise your values

incredible text to wake up to

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.