The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I have taken up painting
when someone compliments me
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Day 2 of my diet
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.