The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor