Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”