The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
tinder is all about the long game
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants