The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Swedish for common sense.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Come back with a warrant