Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.