The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot