the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better