Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.