the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake