The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.