“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!