The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Always
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Got ya covered
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m about to risk it all
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”