The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
forgive me baja for i have blast
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then