Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My dog learned how to text