Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

If only

Not helping

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…