Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Not all heroes wear capes…

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

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God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

when someone compliments me

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.