The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.