The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.