The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
You Might Also Like
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.