Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.