The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
This fish is cracking me up
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*