Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?