The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You Might Also Like
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem