Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I march to the beat of my own dumb

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]