The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Phones down.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Pizza is an emotion right?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.