Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

*ernest hemingway voice*

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Oddly specific

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else