the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.