the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
You Might Also Like
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My plans: 2020:
respect
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.