Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Skip intro

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.