the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.