the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Time heals everything 🙂
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
#NoRestForTheWicked
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?