The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
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This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
🙂🙃🥹
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.