The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?