Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.