The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?