I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When someone says you are so lazy
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂