The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.