Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?