Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.