The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Blew my mind.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*