Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks