The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’ve disappointed better people.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work