The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
dude it’s called proctologist
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
For anyone who needs this today
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”