The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.