Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman