Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get marriage

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on