The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My humor is broken
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright