The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
is this a threat
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[eats all your cotton candy]
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.