The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no