The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Love it! 👍😂
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.