Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Not even remotely sorry.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?