The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.