Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.