The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Spa day..😅
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.